Awakenings

Lifetime of slumber
I noticed something today - I've been feeling like I woke up from a lifetime of slumber! (I'm actually yawning as I write this... oh the irony! hehehe) I don't know what it is that's making me feel this way now. Is it the minimalism? The swing dancing? The better diet? Is it losing my dad in October? All of the above?

Like I mentioned in a previous post, it's not that I haven't done anything in previous years. I have. But somehow things feel different now. 

Whatever it is, it feels good! And I hope that I can keep this up. It feels like I've finally given myself permission to live life the way I want. Not by doing what everyone expects me to do, but by doing what feels right to me. I've even started standing up for myself and speaking up when something is not to my liking. I'm moving away from being a people pleaser and moving towards respecting myself more. Things are not exactly how I want, but I'm definitely working towards that goal and I can see it as a real possibility.

Lindy Hop
Last night's Lindy Hop swing dance class was hard for me. We were doing kick steps. This big ol' body of mine doesn't easily obey to kick steps. See, in Lindy Hop, the point of the kick steps is to use them when the song is fast. And that happens often. But with the size I am at the moment, I can't go fast, try as I might! I was so very frustrated and upset with myself for not being able to keep up! I knew what to do. I could probably do it if I wasn't so heavy. So I had mixed emotions. I wanted to cry because I felt ashamed. I wanted to yell at myself for not taking better care of myself. I was excited because this dance is so much fun that I could see myself doing this for years. I was feeling inspired to finally take good care of myself. (I guess I'm not doing such a good job of that now considering that it's almost 11 pm and I have to wake up at 6 am for work.)

So instead of my usual self pity where I go home and "give up" and start eating what tastes good but is bad for me, I resolved to stop with the less healthy food and do my best to stick to the paleo/whole30 type diet. I enjoy it, so it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm mad and determined not to give in to bad food. Don't get me wrong, I'm realistic and I know that I won't always have such resolve. But I'm going to ride this wave until I can't anymore. And should I fall off this wave, I'll get right back on the next one!

Remember that guy I said I was dating for a while - well he had a good rule when it came to food. Only healthy foods are allowed in his home. No junk food, no takeout. However, I must admit that that is much easier to enforce when you're the only person living in your home. I have a sugar loving daughter and mother living with me at the moment.

I've asked my mother to keep her treats in her room. If they aren't in the kitchen, we won't think to have them. She seems to be on board with it, except she had me buy ice cream tonight AFTER I asked her about this. Anyway, it's not a big deal for me because I'm not much of an ice cream fan. But it is for my daughter.

Once mom is in her own apartment, it will be strictly only good healthy paleo/whole30 approved foods in my home. If my daughter wants junk food, she'll have to have it outside our home and use her allowance towards it. Same goes for me.

Make it happen
Another thing I admired about the guy I was dating - if he was interested in something and wanted to give it a try, he would. He's in Bali right now because of that make-it-happen attitude. I'm dancing the Lindy Hop right now because of his make-it-happen attitude. I really like that too! For years I've been fantasizing about all I want to do (Lindy Hop being one of those things). But I've never done anything much about it. And now thanks to him (and a couple of other make-it-happen men I've dated before him), I'm inspired to do the same. Not Bali, but the make it happen part. We have only one life to live, so make the most of it!

So what is on the make it happen list at the moment?
  • Tomorrow, my daughter and I are going to go get our photos taken for our passport applications.
  • I'm also looking into starting a kettle bell class. I want to do more exercise and this is an exercise I've been wanting to try for a while. I've researched kettle bell and zumba (another type of fitness class I've been wanting to try) classes today, but the ones I've found had schedules that conflicted with my swing dancing and my ukulele playing. So I may end up doing either or both of them at home. But I would much rather do the class thing for the social aspect. I like the social aspect of the swing dance classes, I'm assuming I will feel the same about kettle bell or zumba classes. I'll contact the gym tomorrow to find out more about the kettle bell class. (See, writing it here makes me follow through better. I want to keep my word. It's up here for everyone to see and call me out on. And I don't like to be called out on stuff. And my peeps reading this know and will call me out on it. I love them! :) )
  • Food! Tonight, with tons of left over resolve from last night, I made healthy food for the days to come. I'm still doing the smoothie habit (and that's been going very well). I made sure to have a healthy breakfast and lunch prepared for tomorrow. No excuse! I really want this to be my definitive attempt to be healthier. I desperately want to get my weight under control! I want to swing dance and keep up with the others! I want to be healthy and comfortable in my body.
Everything I've been reading and listening to lately have been telling me the same thing: be authentically you, behave in a way that leads you to the life you want, keep it simple, and have fun! I'm finally hearing these messages. I can't change the past, but I can make the present so much better and set myself up for a better future!

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